The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
