I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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