I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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