Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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