I don't usually arrange sex via text message
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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