This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
