I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
