I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
