i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
