I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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