The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
