I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
