It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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