Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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