Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize
