So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
