mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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