The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
We need to get me chipped asap
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
