I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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