i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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