They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
