I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
