Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
