I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
