I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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