I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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