I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
