just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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