Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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