By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
