cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
