Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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