There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
