it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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