May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
