just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
