Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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