as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
