I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Randomize
