All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
