mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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