I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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