So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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