i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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