His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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