I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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