Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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