dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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