dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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