i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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