Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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