i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
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