I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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