I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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