You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
