When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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