when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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