I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
