dude i'm inner monologue high
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
